12 am.

12 am. 

Can't sleep. 

That's the usual here. 

Thoughts racing, 

mind-chasing, 

fueled by emotions through. 

What I can't seem to get,

what's too real to see yet

is what happened. 

My mind asks why

and my heart heals full. 

You're still there, undone

and keeping my wonders in awe. 

What keeps you from seeing I am still her?

What stops you from being loyal like you were?

Why can't we figure this out?

Why does my heart ache more than it shouts?

It may not be time

but a reason I can't find. 

You need this space

so I'll wait in my mind

for another chance at it,

hoping you'll see me as yet

to be yours again. 

I will wait

and I'll do whatever it takes. 

All is gone, forgotten, forgiven. 

Just see that I am not hidden. 

I'm here. 

I'll always be. 

12 am wake ups

could be you and me. 

He.

He has no idea that I pray for him. 

I pray for him daily. 

I can't not pray for him. 

Love letter.

God has been speaking to me in the last few days, in ways I could have never imagined. He's been writing me these little love letters, and here's today's:

Daughter,

Our love story is still unfolding. From the beginning of time I loved you. I knew your days before I set you before your first. Your name is written on the inside of my hand. You are my beloved. I know you intimately, to the point of the hairs on your head. I have counted every tear that has fallen from your dear face. You were a sinner, but because you mean everything to me, I died for you. I died to love you. Abbey Grace, I am your God. You are my love. Please abide in me. I want you and want to know you and show you myself. 

Run to me. 

Rest in my promises for you. 

Stay ready to hear me. 

Rise when I call. 

Be the woman who was once dead, but through me, now lives. 

Trusting Letter

My sweet daughter,

Trust me, and don't be afraid. 

I want you to view trials as a way to grow your trust in Me. I love you. I loved you before anyone knew you, before you were even made. I loved you before I put breath in your lungs. 

Don't let Satan get to you. One of his favorite ways to misguide my children is fear. Do not be afraid. When you worry about how you feel, you forget my promise. I promised to never leave you, and I am not going to. Don't let a feeling change what's true. 

When Satan starts to get close, talk to me and tell him to flee from you in my name. He will leave you. And you will be closer to me. And I will shine on you. 

Remember that I have judged you not guilty forever. There's no reason to worry, fear or not trust me. 

I am your strength,

your song,

your salvation. 

Trust me, my dear. Trust me. 

Hear a word.

I’ve been overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, frustration, envy, and a bit of insomnia as of late. I can’t quite tell if it is losing someone, the past year crashing in around me, or what but all I know is that I’m struggling. In some ways it feels like I’m on the outside of a glass wall peering into the life I want to have. Thin enough that I can see and hear what is happening on the other side but thick enough to keep me out. There are so many things I want to say, things I long to say, but I refuse to. Because contrary to belief this isn’t my diary, nor are any of my other social media platforms. I get angry when people mistake measured vulnerability for emotional dumping.

What it makes me want to do is retreat. Pull so far back into myself that I get lost. Minimize the pieces of who I am so no fault can be found or judgment passed. It makes me want to stop writing all together. To believe the lies that tell me I’m not good enough or that everyone else is better or that I have nothing of value to say. Sometimes the lies sound so close to truth I don’t know which to believe.

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel like I’m shouting into a megaphone at a group of people who stare back at me blankly. So who knows, maybe this is the time to stop writing.

These walls, too hard to climb
And that ladder is too hard to find
I don’t want to be here anymore

These roads, too hard to walk
With the things you’ve been saying
I don’t even want to talk
I don’t want to wind up on the floor

Speak your mind or speak your peace
I swear we’re sinking deep
I don’t want to wind up on the floor
The sky is falling all over again
Just another dis-conclusion
Another disillusion
The sky is falling all over again
Am I losing my composure?
Way too much exposure to compromise
I can’t take on these walls.

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners, Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things. 

(Lamentations 3:19-36 MSG)

Steady my Heart

Wish it could be easy. 

Why is life so messy?

Why is pain a part if us? 

There are days I feel like nothing ever goes right.

Sometimes it just hurts so much. 

But You're here. 

You're real. 

I know I can trust You.

I'm not gonna worry. 

I know that You've got me right inside the palm of your hand. 

Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way You plan. 

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart. 

I will run to You cause I know that You are lover of my soul and healer of my scars.

You steady my heart.