12 am.

12 am. 

Can't sleep. 

That's the usual here. 

Thoughts racing, 

mind-chasing, 

fueled by emotions through. 

What I can't seem to get,

what's too real to see yet

is what happened. 

My mind asks why

and my heart heals full. 

You're still there, undone

and keeping my wonders in awe. 

What keeps you from seeing I am still her?

What stops you from being loyal like you were?

Why can't we figure this out?

Why does my heart ache more than it shouts?

It may not be time

but a reason I can't find. 

You need this space

so I'll wait in my mind

for another chance at it,

hoping you'll see me as yet

to be yours again. 

I will wait

and I'll do whatever it takes. 

All is gone, forgotten, forgiven. 

Just see that I am not hidden. 

I'm here. 

I'll always be. 

12 am wake ups

could be you and me. 

He.

He has no idea that I pray for him. 

I pray for him daily. 

I can't not pray for him. 

Love letter.

God has been speaking to me in the last few days, in ways I could have never imagined. He's been writing me these little love letters, and here's today's:

Daughter,

Our love story is still unfolding. From the beginning of time I loved you. I knew your days before I set you before your first. Your name is written on the inside of my hand. You are my beloved. I know you intimately, to the point of the hairs on your head. I have counted every tear that has fallen from your dear face. You were a sinner, but because you mean everything to me, I died for you. I died to love you. Abbey Grace, I am your God. You are my love. Please abide in me. I want you and want to know you and show you myself. 

Run to me. 

Rest in my promises for you. 

Stay ready to hear me. 

Rise when I call. 

Be the woman who was once dead, but through me, now lives. 

Trusting Letter

My sweet daughter,

Trust me, and don't be afraid. 

I want you to view trials as a way to grow your trust in Me. I love you. I loved you before anyone knew you, before you were even made. I loved you before I put breath in your lungs. 

Don't let Satan get to you. One of his favorite ways to misguide my children is fear. Do not be afraid. When you worry about how you feel, you forget my promise. I promised to never leave you, and I am not going to. Don't let a feeling change what's true. 

When Satan starts to get close, talk to me and tell him to flee from you in my name. He will leave you. And you will be closer to me. And I will shine on you. 

Remember that I have judged you not guilty forever. There's no reason to worry, fear or not trust me. 

I am your strength,

your song,

your salvation. 

Trust me, my dear. Trust me. 

Hear a word.

I’ve been overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, frustration, envy, and a bit of insomnia as of late. I can’t quite tell if it is losing someone, the past year crashing in around me, or what but all I know is that I’m struggling. In some ways it feels like I’m on the outside of a glass wall peering into the life I want to have. Thin enough that I can see and hear what is happening on the other side but thick enough to keep me out. There are so many things I want to say, things I long to say, but I refuse to. Because contrary to belief this isn’t my diary, nor are any of my other social media platforms. I get angry when people mistake measured vulnerability for emotional dumping.

What it makes me want to do is retreat. Pull so far back into myself that I get lost. Minimize the pieces of who I am so no fault can be found or judgment passed. It makes me want to stop writing all together. To believe the lies that tell me I’m not good enough or that everyone else is better or that I have nothing of value to say. Sometimes the lies sound so close to truth I don’t know which to believe.

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel like I’m shouting into a megaphone at a group of people who stare back at me blankly. So who knows, maybe this is the time to stop writing.

These walls, too hard to climb
And that ladder is too hard to find
I don’t want to be here anymore

These roads, too hard to walk
With the things you’ve been saying
I don’t even want to talk
I don’t want to wind up on the floor

Speak your mind or speak your peace
I swear we’re sinking deep
I don’t want to wind up on the floor
The sky is falling all over again
Just another dis-conclusion
Another disillusion
The sky is falling all over again
Am I losing my composure?
Way too much exposure to compromise
I can’t take on these walls.

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners, Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things. 

(Lamentations 3:19-36 MSG)

Steady my Heart

Wish it could be easy. 

Why is life so messy?

Why is pain a part if us? 

There are days I feel like nothing ever goes right.

Sometimes it just hurts so much. 

But You're here. 

You're real. 

I know I can trust You.

I'm not gonna worry. 

I know that You've got me right inside the palm of your hand. 

Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way You plan. 

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart. 

I will run to You cause I know that You are lover of my soul and healer of my scars.

You steady my heart. 

I have to stop myself from crying constantly throughout the day...

Father, You must look at me and with tears in your eyes, think...

"My child, why will you not trust Me? Why will you not let the peace of Me, and My Spirit guide you, guard you, and LOVE on you? I want to love you so much more than you have ever experienced...why are you seeking love elsewhere, when My love is perfect love? Let Me love you, let Me love your heart, your mind, and your spirit. You are more beautiful to Me than anything in this world. I knew your every step, your every day, your beauty, and your destiny, before you were in existence. And, I know the plans I have for you, I know My calling for you, I know what I have in store for you, both in this life, and for eternity. I will love you MORE every day, for now, and forevermore. I never change, and I will NEVER LEAVE YOU. When you cannot see past this day, I can. I know the miracles I am working all around you, even when you feel consumed by your darkest hours. I am working for you, always; can you not see My power? The works of My hands? My promises that I have fulfilled in your life already? AND I AM NOT DONE. I am the God of the universe, the power and authority over all of the earth, and I am your greatest lover and supporter. NOTHING can come against you; these trials have brought you closer to Me, and that brings Me pure joy. I desire to be known by you more intimately than you have ever experienced. I alone can calm your spirit, bring you truth and life, hope and peace. You will be hurt in this life, but I will spare you. I will save you. I will deliver you. I will give you NEW LIFE, when all else dies. Even if you lose everything in this life, you will still have EVERYTHING, and all that you need, because you are mine, forever. I will carry you, ALL OF YOUR DAYS."

His Choice, Not Mine.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not

to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

-Jeremiah 29:11

"Humans plan their life in their heart, 

but the Lord establishes their steps."

--Proverbs 16:9

These are verses I have often held close to my heart.

They've given me hope that whatever course I end up on is God's.

They've helped me trust that God has got my back.

But lately, I've seen how God has truly done what they say he does and will do.

Let's rewind to last summer and I'll tell you how.

 I embarked on a journey with a corporation who proudly shares the word of God. We shared it with adults and children all summer and it truly was one of the greatest times in my life. I learned so much about the character of God and grew in to a deeper relationship with him. 

He grew me so much over that time and I came back wanting nothing more than to experience it again. I was at a point where I had no idea what God wanted me to do with my life. In the last few years, I see how God only gives me about a three month window, if that. He shows me just enough of what the future looks like, and then smiles and tells me to trust him. I, of course, want to know more, but he doesn't ever tell me.

So, I came back and just looked to him and said, "What do you want, God?" 

He didn't say a word.

I sat by for weeks, then months, just waiting for him to tell me.

Then, a few months later, I got a call I had hoped for. I was offered another summer doing something I had fallen in love with. It was a slightly different position, but still what I wanted (or so I thought). In the moment I had hesitation and it scared me. I asked for time to pray and see what God wanted. They gave me through the weekend to decide.

The weekend came and went. I prayed a little but felt no peace in any decision. So, I accepted it. I knew that I ultimately wanted that experience again. I thought to myself, "Now I can have peace." 

But yet again, no peace. 

I waited. I hoped. Some time went by.

Then He moved.

When I accepted the position, I had already arranged to be gone for the summer with my job. 

One day when I went into work a few months later, my boss told me that due to some changes and my job title changing, that she could not allow me to be gone all summer without hiring someone for my position. So I had to choose.

I was hit like a bus with confusion, emotion and uncertainty. After many long talks and tearful conversations with God, I knew I couldn't let my job go. I love my job. It was a blessing from God in the first place...

So I chose. I chose my job. 

The conversations after were hard and hurtful, but as you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "what's the point?"

Even in the midst of uncertainty, God is there.

When you don't know if what decision you're making is right, God is there.

If you're worried about making the wrong choice, God is there.

If you're scared of what people are going to think, God is there.

People will say and think what they want. I will worry myself over things I have no control over. I will wonder if I am making the right decision. And I will sometimes be uncertain of myself, my choices and my life.

But God's there. And that's all that matters. And because he's there, I can trust that HE will lead me on a path that He wants me on. All I have to do is trust and believe that...because He's doing it right now. 

Certain Uncertainty

I use this illustration a lot, but I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster.

For a while I am on top of the hill, arms up high with a smile on my face.

I have everything I need (or so I think). Work is great, my family is happy and healthy and life has no major issue in my book. It's easy to trust God because he's giving me resources, allowing me to use my talents, given me a career I adore, and given me a man who loves Him and pursues my heart. There are no major decisions and He guides my way and makes it 'easy.'

But then I see myself going down from the top, right into the bottom curve. 

Work gets real and frustrating. I lose two family members in one month. I go a month without seeing my best friend. God opens doors that I'm unsure of and making decisions are stressful and my mind seems to waver at every breath I take. 

I've been dealing with this feeling for the last couple of weeks. I toss and turn at night from the thoughts that run through my mind and keep me awake. Satan runs rampant in my mind and tries to discourage, rush and worry me, making me believe that there's no certainty in what my Father wants. I find myself screaming these thoughts through the tears.

"Father, how can I be certain that what I am doing is what you want?"

"What's the best route for me to take?"

"Is this really going to work?"

"How do I know?"

"What do you want?"

"How can I trust you?...."

I close my eyes. 

And He faithfully speaks.

"Abbey Grace, my lovely daughter. You can trust me. 

Have I ever lied to you? 

Have I ever left you? 

Remember who brought you through those trials from the past. Remember who has loved you since time began. Remember who loves you. Remember I gave my son to die for you. 

My daughter, this life you're in now provides much uncertainty, and I can't show you everything I have planned for you, but what I can promise you is this: certain uncertainty.

You don't know what's coming, but you can trust that I will lead you to where you need to be. 

I can't promise you it will be easy, but I can promise you that everything is for your good.

My child, lean to me and I'll lead you. I'll comfort you. I'll love you forever."

And then I remember.

My God is good.

My God is faithful.

And although I am certain that I may always be uncertain of what He wants,

He will take care of the path He has planned for me.

Whirlwind Winter

I wish my title referred to a real winter. Somewhere in the mountains, tucked away in a cozy cabin, sipping on some vanilla roast, while being completely snowed in and having nothing better to do than write. Instead, I'm in a comfy shirt I stole from my boyfriend, sitting on the couch on this sunny, 32-degree day (with no snow), while sipping on Eight O'Clock hazelnut while catching up on NCIS. I know, not as wintery as I had hoped either.

I often have reminders pop up on my phone (thank you, Siri) purposely telling me to post photos, write in my journal, post something on my blog or make plans with friends. Once I leave work, or have some time to myself, like today, I feel like my mind needs to just slow down and relax. So my writings, plans and reminders often go untouched. But now, I'm here. I'm answering emails, posting photos and writing on my blog.

Go me! But really, let's do a little catching up on life. 

I feel like January flew in here and is soon to be flying out. Let's rewind to the holidays. They came and went. I feel like as I grow older, the holidays change with each year. Now I care more for giving than receiving. Now I long for more memories than the actual holidays themselves. It was two days full of lots of noise, relaxing and family all over the place. As much as I loved those 48 hours, it was nice to go back to work.

Speaking of work...what a busy place. People everywhere, all the time. The holidays were a mad house and I felt like I was going non-stop. I truly love it though. Crazy hours, amazing people and getting to meet new people every day is one awesome gift I am blessed to call my job.

Once Christmas was over, my man came down to Tennessee to ring in the new year with me. It was truly a blessing. I was disappointed we didn't get to spend Christmas together, but New Year's came and so did some new traditions for us. We now agreed to spend every New Year's Eve just us, order a pizza and ring in the new year like that. No big party or large groups....just the two of us. We also exchanged Christmas gifts then, but I'm not sure if that's a tradition that will stay.

This month is almost over and I am finally posting on my blog. Between work, my personal life, serving and trying to find time to do the things I want to do, I feel like I'm being pulled one-hundred different ways. But I wouldn't have it any other way, and I've never been happier. So for now, I'll enjoy this whirlwind and talk to you soon.

Unfaithful

Dear Abandoned and Forgotten Blog of Mine:

I'm sorry it's been so long. I've truly had good intentions, but my time and attention have been spent elsewhere. I feel terrible for admitting it, but it's true. As much as I love you and enjoy you, others have grabbed me and pulled me in. For one, there's this job. I love it, but it has taken up quite a bit of my time. It's crazy busy and is running my body into the ground, but I love it. There's also this person named Alexander. He's pretty amazing and although I have no time already, he seems to take up any extra that I have to spare. He talks to me about God and pushes me to Christ. He makes my life easier and sometimes I tell him things I'd normally rant on here. 

I'm sorry I've put you on the back-burner, but I am here and I have returned. I promise never to leave you again...unless I create a brand new blog in 2013. 

Thank you for welcoming me back with open arms.

Love,

Abbey Grace

Wordless Wednesday

I'm starting a new tradition on the blog and would love for you to be a part of it.

Every Wednesday I am going to post a photo that truly makes me speechless. I want you to take the opportunity to share what you think when you see it. You can share a thought, scripture, or a caption and comment in the area below!

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments! I'll share mine at the bottom of each photo!

Speak your mind!

Photo credit.

When I look at this photo, I see a God who is more beautiful and bigger than I can even grasp. He loves us all so much and pours out blessings that are like this sky: beautiful, and of nothing that man can create. He is a beautiful, glorious, wonderful God.

He is Able

All summer this was poured into me...God is able.

The song, "God is Able" and the truth that Ephesians 3:20-21 speaks:

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, 

according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

I sang it over and over. I talked about it to children over and over. I knew what it said by heart and believed wholeheartedly that it's true. I'd tell people things of God all the time...how he is able to cure sickness, mend relationships and provide even in the hardest of times. I spoke and encouraged, knowing that my God can do all of these things. 

When I got home from the summer, life hit really hard. Reality checked in instantly and my camp "bubble" was soon gone. I was putting my own words to the test.

Can God really heal this pain in my heart?

Can I really trust God to take over this worry?

How can I lean on him and not doubt his ability?

Will my God truly never fail me?

God began to work and show me that he truly can do so much more for us than we can every really grasp. He began to handle and take over my problems. He began to show me more of how I can really trust him and depend on him. I saw him working and saw the blessings of peace and joy that came in trusting him and giving him my all.

But, there was one aspect of my life where I had given to God, I never truly believed and trusted in the fact that he could actually do it and give me what I wanted. He revealed this in the most marvelous way. I haven't had a boyfriend in years because I haven't felt led to be with someone.  I left the summer with the biggest shock and surprise. It was truly more than I could have ever asked for. God gave me someone. I was blessed enough to spend the summer getting to know this person and his heart for the Lord. From the day I met him, I knew there was something different about him, but I ignored it completely and just prayed that God would bless a friendship between us. Over the summer, we became close friends and I was so thankful for that. When the summer ended it broke my heart to think that we would have to say goodbye. His goodbye was the hardest, and I had no idea why. Once I was home, God showed me that he was surely different, as I had suspected all summer. And he started to show me why. This man is wonderful. He loves the Lord in an amazing way, and by his grace, God has seen reason to put us together and I could not be more blessed. 

Through this amazing man and God's incredible grace and love, I've seen how God truly is able. I had no faith that God would actually bring a man into my life that was everything I wanted, and more. To my shock and surprise, I am humbled by what He's blessed me with and amazed at what He is doing. I can't praise him enough for this wonderful relationship, but more so, for who He is. 

Our God is good and He is good all the time,

but more than that...

God is able.

Trust him where you have no faith and He will change your life.

Shipwrecked

Needless to say,
being home since the summer I had has been nothing short of interesting.

From random road trips to a new relationship, I feel like I've been throw about at sea.
My emotions are like a roller coaster. They go up and down often.
My heart is open yet guarded. I have to carefully watch what comes in and goes out.
My life is being changed day by day, and it amazes me at every moment.

I feel like a sailor lost at sea.
And now, I actually am.
I'm tucked away in the most cozy beach house on Rosemary Beach.

Today is my first full day here and it's gloomy like no other...

...So, I am cuddled up to my Macbook and this lovely beach coffee and hoping to get my journaling and blog caught up with this hectic life of mine.

And if you didn't know already, coffee is always better at the beach.

Here Lately

I've been trying to get back into the swing of things.

Back to work and back to my business.

Life is good and busy, and I'm so ready for fall to show up.

Here's a little photo diary of what I've been up to.

There are reminders of camp everywhere. No exaggeration whatsoever.

 Spent some time celebrating little Owen who will be here soon!

I've gotten well-aquaited with an old friend.

 Spent some time with some friends playing one of my favorite games.

Went out with some friends to celebrate.

Got twisted up playing some more games. 

 Had a slight case of writer's block.

Went crusing to enjoy this beautiful weather. Fall, come soon.

Spent a little free time painting up a storm.

I've gotten to know Skype very well.

There's a handsome man I see on there quite often.

Hope you enjoyed a look into my 'lately.'

Have a great week.

Dome Cones, Penskes & 3am's

I'm not even sure where to begin this post.

I've tried to write about the last three months over and over and nothing seems to bring it justice.
It's truly difficult to put this summer into words.

I started on this journey on May 23rd, unaware of what was before me. 

 I arrived in Georgia and met the 22 other people I'd be spending the summer with.

I had no idea what was before me. I spent the next two weeks nose deep into material, meetings, and trying to take in and prepare what God had planned for me.

After our time there was finished, we headed out on our summer.
Nine weeks stood before us.
Twenty three people, two vans and one Penske truck.

I had no idea at the time,
but this summer would play out to be the best summer of my entire life.
I learned so much about myself.
I went away with twenty two great friends.
I worked harder than I have ever before.
I ministered to children and families.
I shared Jesus all day, everyday.
It was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've ever experienced.

It would take me days to tell of the countless children, stories, good times and memories
that the last 3 months of my life hold. They are truly a blessing from God and I'll never forget them.

All in all, our God is so extraordinary.
It's not me, it's Him. He is the one who does all good and works through me.
My summer was extraordinary because of Him and I can never thank Him enough.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
-Ephesians 3:20-21

Six Weeks In...

I can't believe tomorrow is the end of week six.

Where in the world have these days gone?

The days are long and the weeks fly by. 

I've become quite comfortable in my camp bubble.

I spend my days teaching photography.

I have stories to share that would melt your heart.

Like one about a boy named Jameson.

During week one I occurred a little injury that had me on crutches.

He was my trouble maker most of the week until I got hurt. 

When I got back from the hospital he came right up to me and checked on me.

Most days I wear a green Atlanta hat to represent the Alpine and he had been wearing one all week.

The next day he came to camp with two hats in hand,

and one was for me.

Through that, I was able to share Jesus with him.

It's amazing what God has done in the last few weeks.

I would have never thought that being completely

emotionally,

spiritually, 

physically

and mentally drained...

would be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

My days are filled with talks of photography,

campers,

road trips,

Jesus,

and how our God is completely extraordinary.

And I would live this life every day I have on this earth.

Heavy Calling

I told myself I would recap every week of the summer on my blog.

One, so friends and family can keep up with the insanity.

And two, so I can feel some type of normalcy to my current lifestyle.

Yet as I've been compiling the last three weeks
and going over memory after memory,
I was hit with some news that is heavier than most
and needs to be shared so God can receive all the glory.

Two weeks ago, we were in LaGrange, Georgia.
I'll write about that memory soon,
but there was a little boy there named Hakim.
He was a sweet, trying child that a lot of our staff came in contact with.
One even spent almost two hours with him talking about God,
sharing the gospel and even lead him to accept Christ.
We all fell in love with Hakim. His charm drew you in
and kept your yearning for more of his sweet disposition.

Today, we were shocked and saddened to hear that he passed away earlier today.
We were suddenly hit with an array of emotions.
We're broken to hear of his tragic death.
We're shocked at how we were there just a few short days ago.
We're joyous at his decision to accept Christ just days earlier.
We're hurting for a community that poured nothing but love into his life.
We're clinging to God and his goodness, his sovereignty and love.
We're grasping to the reality that Hakim is resting in the arms of Jesus.

Hakim and his story brought a realness and a reality to us today.
I spent the evening with some staff, having milkshakes around the table.
We just sat in silence as we read his story.
Tears of sadness and joy streamed down my face,
realizing that the last thing we ever said to him was,
"Don't just think it's you, give credit where it's due."

What we do matters,
but what matters more is people coming to know Christ.
God is using us. He is living inside of us all
and although tired unbelievably exhausting and heavy,
it's a calling I take strongly and humbly.

No matter what, our job matters and it's making a difference.
And it's not about us.
It's about HIM.

To read Hakim's full story, click here.

Recap: Last Two Weeks

It seems crazy to think that my birthday was a little over one week ago. 

It seems like weeks have gone by.

I wrote about how staff training was affecting me,

but people have been asking for photos and I've finally gotten time to share some.

Here's a look back through some photos...

As I got ready for camp I got a nice birthday breakfast.

Thanks, Mom.

Little bro gave me some swag to take to Winshape.

It's worn well so far.

I got ready, grabbed my luggage 

and headed to Atlanta.

Once we arrived I showed off my awesome trunk...

And said goodbye to Matt as training week started for the other two siblings.

And normal life as I know it was on pause for ten days.

So much information,

and new people

and so many emotions.

And an awesome private concert from Dave Barnes (go Nashville!).

But the days came and went and we found ourselves at last Thursday.

We got up, packed up and headed out as the yellow team.

Training had ended and we were off on our summer.

We headed for Madison, MS,

which is where I am now.

I've got through the road trip with some sweet texts...

and pit stops where I can found perfect waffle fries.

Once we arrived we had the luxury of unpacking the truck...

 which only took an hour and a half,

and if you didn't know,

that's amazing.

Since we've been here we have worked in the host church preparing for an awesome first week.

Lots of supplies, boxes and organizing.

But after working ourselves hard for two days,

we are able to see our work paying off and preparing for big things.

 My nights have been spent like so...

 Studying curriculum, reading the Word and watching some basketball.

Just imagine 8 or 9 girls and one hotel room. 

Best time ever.

 We've been able to have some time to enjoy ourselves, too.

I was introduced to Sno Biz shaved ice.

You walk up, try and pick one flavor out of a million

and it is phenomenal. 

 We've also been blessed with a community who is treating us like gold.

We have enjoyed some true southern hospitality 

and quality time as a team and family.

Life is good and Winshape is wonderful.

Keep checking back for some updates.

Love to you all.