Certain Uncertainty

I use this illustration a lot, but I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster.

For a while I am on top of the hill, arms up high with a smile on my face.

I have everything I need (or so I think). Work is great, my family is happy and healthy and life has no major issue in my book. It's easy to trust God because he's giving me resources, allowing me to use my talents, given me a career I adore, and given me a man who loves Him and pursues my heart. There are no major decisions and He guides my way and makes it 'easy.'

But then I see myself going down from the top, right into the bottom curve. 

Work gets real and frustrating. I lose two family members in one month. I go a month without seeing my best friend. God opens doors that I'm unsure of and making decisions are stressful and my mind seems to waver at every breath I take. 

I've been dealing with this feeling for the last couple of weeks. I toss and turn at night from the thoughts that run through my mind and keep me awake. Satan runs rampant in my mind and tries to discourage, rush and worry me, making me believe that there's no certainty in what my Father wants. I find myself screaming these thoughts through the tears.

"Father, how can I be certain that what I am doing is what you want?"

"What's the best route for me to take?"

"Is this really going to work?"

"How do I know?"

"What do you want?"

"How can I trust you?...."

I close my eyes. 

And He faithfully speaks.

"Abbey Grace, my lovely daughter. You can trust me. 

Have I ever lied to you? 

Have I ever left you? 

Remember who brought you through those trials from the past. Remember who has loved you since time began. Remember who loves you. Remember I gave my son to die for you. 

My daughter, this life you're in now provides much uncertainty, and I can't show you everything I have planned for you, but what I can promise you is this: certain uncertainty.

You don't know what's coming, but you can trust that I will lead you to where you need to be. 

I can't promise you it will be easy, but I can promise you that everything is for your good.

My child, lean to me and I'll lead you. I'll comfort you. I'll love you forever."

And then I remember.

My God is good.

My God is faithful.

And although I am certain that I may always be uncertain of what He wants,

He will take care of the path He has planned for me.

April Daze

Happy April Fool's Day!

I'm so happy to see April come.

It's a new start and a month closer to May.

I've been looking at this a lot lately.

More than just my birthday, I cannot wait for May 23rd to start off the best summer ever.

I wrote before (here) about Winshape and getting the job,

and I never thought I'd be so excited to get it started.

This summer, in 52 days, I'll be traveling as a photographer and teaching photography to children.

Words cannot explain my excitement.

It's what I want, and I didn't know it until God laid it in my lap.

Such grace.

I'll be traveling from May 23-August 7.

10 different cities in 5 different states.

The Lord has something amazing in store and I can't wait to experience it.

Blessings Flow

I'm sitting here enjoying this glass of Cab
and I'm still in awe of this past week and writing about it puts it more into a fog.

Let's go back a few months when I applied for Winshape.

When I considered it, it wasn't because I really wanted to work for them.

I saw it as one of those chances I could take, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if I didn't spend this upcoming summer as a counselor.

As I filled out the application, the job of photographer popped up. 

This was right when my business got busy,

and the idea of spending my summer doing what I love most

was even more intriguing. 

I finished the longest application ever, and didn't think twice about it 

until the 8th when I interviewed in Cookeville.

I had a great, easy interview and thought everything went smoothly.

Well, fast forward to this past Thursday.

During the morning, a co-worker asked me about the event I photographed last week,

and proceeded to ask me to photograph one of their upcoming events

How awesome!

Later that afternoon, I got asked by another co-worker to photography another event!

By this point, I was just excited about the next couple of months.

But then, right before I got off work I received a call from an unfamiliar Georgia number.

Remembering that Winshape is based in Georgia, I answered.

After talking to a familiar voice, I heard him say, 

"We would like to offer you the position of photographer."

I felt my heart enlarge and it suddenly became harder to breathe.

I was so excited,

so happy and so incredibly blessed.

I am so excited to be spending the summer with Winshape as a photographer.

More than that, I am humbled at what God is doing in my life and how he is pouring blessings into my life and my photography business.

It is amazing me more and more everyday and I couldn't be happier.

Father is so good, and I must stay focused and remember that this is all from him.

Things can only get better from here,

and I can't imagine what else he's got up his sleeve.

Knowing November

Someone please tell me where October went.

I feel like my world is in fast forward and I can't slow down to think or write. I've been spending a lot of time talking to God about what this month is going to have. I'm so over feeling busy with things that aren't really in my control and I've been seeking for what he is trying to teach me.

With this new month coming on, the Lord has given me a plan to understand more of what he is trying to teach me. He has told me to post everyday about what I am thankful for...whatever seems to hit me each day in the next month, to take it and write about it. So, I am obeying and interested to see what he is going to show me. So, I welcome you to join me on this adventure and see what the Lord is going to do, because I believe he will show and teach me something.

So, welcome November!

The Body

Today has been a busy Saturday. It's usually my Sabbath, but today I've been working on a couple paintings that are gifts for a special bride (post coming soon).

I've been listening to my iTunes and painting my heart away and just talking to the Lord about things on my heart. I was completely out of touch when a song started playing and the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks...

"...But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going Why is His love not showing them there is a way..."

The song kept playing, If We Are the Body by Casting Crowns, and I just asked myself, "Am I the body?"

If we are the body of Christ then we should be reaching out to those in need. We should be healing with our time, finances, etc. We should be boldly speaking the Word of God and sharing it to no end. We should be moving and be on mission. It really made me think about the things I am doing in my life and if I really am a part of the body of Christ. And if I am, what am I doing to make Christ known?

So, I must ask you...

Are you working to grow the body?

Trust brings joy

I am almost a week out from my last post and almost three posts behind. That gives you a little taste into what this past week has been like for me. Without getting into too much detail or too many tangents I am gong to try and share that...so bear with me.

For the last couple of months I have felt some tension with where I am at with my job. For many reasons, both mine and God's, I felt like it was time for me to leave or that the possibility of my resigning was coming closer and maybe a reality. For weeks I've prayed my heart out, asking for guidance, wisdom and discernment of what to do and when to do it.

After about a month of praying and still feeling this tension, I knew that God would tell me if I really needed to make a change and I let this all go with the trust and faith that if he wanted something to change he would tell me. Well, as God usually does with me, I was hit like a train with the realization that now was the time. When I first realized what he was saying I was flooded with emotion. I was sad. It was sad that this time in my life was coming to an end, but almost in the same moment he spoke to me and in his dear and tender character, told me that there was no need to be sad. He said that anything worth saving from this experience would be saved and he filled me with joy and excitement for what's to come.

Since that moment, I have been the happiest I've ever been. The days following that realization haven't been easy, but they've been what God willed. I couldn't have gotten through them without him, but that comes with anything worth doing. He's given me so much wisdom, excitement and encouragement and I have never felt stronger. I know he has an amazing plan for me. Sometimes it's hard because I don't know what is going to happen or when it will happen, but I know that it's all working for a purpose that he designed specifically for me. I am chosen; I should be joyous in the fact that he is using me for something that is going to make an impact. And I am.

With all that said, I am in a good place. Some people look at me and would never wish for this life. But I tell you, my friend, this is the life to have. I am not working at a job that I loved very much, but I am working for the Lord and according to his will. I am leading a simple, meek life that good is using and is going to use to do big things, some of which I'll never know or see. But this really, is the life. I'm not longer 'intern abbey,' but God has bigger and better things for this girl.

What's it Worth?

If you knew me a few years ago I  looked like a different person. If you had met me then I would have looked, acted, spoke and thought differently. I was a nice person, but I was not the same. I found my value in things of this world and all that mattered was worth nothing. I was in a horrible relationship that was situationally comfortable and something that gave me worth and meaning, and everything any woman could ever dream of was at my fingertips. Exotic vacations, expensive clothing and accessories, a high-priced vehicle, living expenses and so much more became a custom to me. In most people's eyes,  I "had it all."

But what I was missing was Christ. I was finding my worth in a person, in possessions and status. I had everything, yet nothing all at the same time. A terrifying and eye-opening moment opened my eyes to God, and it was like he was sitting there next to me, asking me when I was going to let go of all this worthless stuff and let him have my heart. Praise you, God, for rescuing me from that pit of despair.

That was almost three years ago,  and I can remember it like yesterday. There's a lot from that time in my life I can recall and I think the Lord allows that so I can remember where I was and how he saved me. It's there to help other girls and women, and it reminds me of how truly good our God is.

This morning I was reminded of all of this and was compelled to write. I met up with a friend at a nearby coffee shop. I had recently posted on our church's women's site about an interesting fundraiser I am in the process of and she was willing to contribute to the cause:

    

I am selling all of my old, expensive possessions. All these name brand, high-retail items mean a lot to some people and that's okay to an extent, but to me they mean nothing. They remind me of bondage, pain and searching for a God I now have...so, I am selling every single item. What's even better is that every dollar is going toward funding a new ministry project I am working on that God is fully leading. And I couldn't be more excited about it and what God's doing in and with it. 

My sisters, He can use ANYTHING for good.

He is good, and faithful, and worthy of ALL praise and worship.

So I am graciously letting go of all these things, but sharing the story as they go.

Grab on to him, my sisters. He's always there, and is happy to see you.

"In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. 

From his temple he heard my voice,

and my cry to him reached his ears.

He brought me out into a broad place;

he rescued me, because he delighted in me."

-Psalm 18:6, 19

24.

It feels like my birthday sort of snuck up on me this year. I knew it was coming when it was finally May, but about the 20th I remember thinking, "Whoa, I am turning 24 in three days....crazy."But those three days came and went and yesterday was May 23, 2011: my 24th birthday.

To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to my birthday. Last year, turning 23, seemed to be the last one I could really look forward to. At 13 you're a teen, at 16 you can drive, at 18 you're legal, at 21 you can drink and 23 was my golden year. So 24...what's happy about that? Certainly nothing in my opinion, except another year older. I guess part of it was because 23 was such a good year. The night before my 24th,  I found myself looking back at the year. I grew so much as a person, a woman and a lover of Christ. So many good things came from 23. Another part is that I am dealing with a lot of trust and faith issues with Christ and where He has me in life. I want to trust in Him completely and have faith that He has a plan that is best for me, but sometimes it's so hard. There are a lot of things I want and things I aspire to do and being patient is hard. So with all this, I wasn't happy to see 24. But, although feeling unexcited and like I was going to be disappointed,  I sucked it up and tried to put on a happy face.

I woke up to an unexpected letter and Starbucks gift card from my younger brother, Matt. It was filled with words of thanks and love. I got my free birthday drink and headed to work. I got to work and was surprisingly greeted with smiles, well wishes and birthday hugs all around. A couple of very dear friends came by my office and gave me gifts that meant the world to me. One included a Scooby-Doo balloon from a very sweet three year old (it's the little things). My youngest brother, Barton, even came by and brought me a sweet gift and a card I'll forever cherish. Barton, myself and the amazing children's team I am blessed to be a part of headed to Demos' for a birthday lunch.

It was a wonderful lunch. I am blessed to work with such amazing people. They gave me a very sweet and thoughtful gift, too. After lunch we had a team meeting and I got a little more work done and then headed to Camino Real for dinner with a bunch of family. It's one of my favorites and everyone enjoys it so we all headed to eat. It's always great to celebrate with a bunch of family...except when they secretly tell the waitress it's your birthday.

After dinner, I headed to a friend's house to hang out with some dear friends. We had birthday cake and talked about things of God. There's no better way to end a birth day. I got home and started writing and looked over my texts, emails and Facebook posts. I just sat and felt God's presence come over me.

I am blessed. I am beyond blessed. Life can be crazy and difficult and busy, but in that moment I could feel the weight of God's blessings on my life. I have family that is messed up, but they love me. I have friends that support and love me more than anyone should deserve. I have a great life. God has blessed me and I pray that I can pass blessings on to others from Him. My God is so very good and He is so very good to me. Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful 24th birthday.

A dear friend wrote me a letter for my birthday and included in that letter was this verse, my birthday verse:

"May God himself, the God of peace, 

sanctify you through and through. 

May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless

at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

-1 Thessalonians 5:23

That's my prayer, Lord. Let me shine in 24.

Made me listen.

I can't believe it's already May.

But what a good month to be in. I have so many things I need and want to write about but finding the time is hard these days. Those are to come...

Anyways, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever been at a point where you didn't listen to God?

Yesterday I opened my email to see my "verse of the day" that I receive every morning. I opened it and read the word 'patience' and immediately closed it. One, because that's the season I am in and two, because I was in a moment where I didn't want to listen to what God had to say.

So from there, I went on to my devotional. It's an application on my phone, and as it opened, this is what I saw:

My instant thought was to close it, but I read on to see what it said. It spoke of how grateful I should be for a God who loves me and wants the best for me. It's hard to not know what's going to happen, but I can trust him. The verse that started it off is 2 Peter 3:

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

I sat back and heard God tell me that He is faithful to what His word says and what He has promised. I smiled, and for a moment, realized I didn't have to worry. I went back to my email to read the verse that I  looked over and to my amazement, it was the exact same verse. 

Funny how God works. 

His future in us.

"Every experience God gives us,

every person He puts in our lives

is in preparation for the future

that only He can see."

What comes to your mind when you read that quote? 

I am reminded of certain experiences I've had in my almost 24 years. I can recall many times where I have experienced things and wondered what the heck did I do to deserve such pain, hurt and uncertainty. In those moments all I could do is ask why, but once it's over and I am able to look back I see what I learned and God tells me why I went through what I did. I am able to grow as a woman, as many things, and as a follower of Jesus Christ.

I am also reminded of people that have passed in and out of my life. So many have come and so many have gone. Have you ever wondered how many people you've encountered? When I think about how big that number is it makes me wonder how many of them are actually still in my life. I wonder why certain people came in, some bringing pain and some bringing joy. I wonder why some aren't still in my life. I wonder how many more God has laid in my path that I don't know yet. Either way, they all have taught me or are teaching em something about life, myself or my Father.

The future is one thing that only God can see. I sometimes-okay, a lot of the time- find myself worried sick about people, events, plans in the future and it's comforting to know that no matter what I do it is all in His hands. No matter how much I worry or freak out He has got it all under control and I know He has my best interest at heart.

A lot of people say this, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

Every person, situation, day, word happens for a reason.

He allows everything for a reason, but it's all in preparation for something.

What's hard is that we don't always know what that 'something' is.

But take heart in this because I am fighting this feeling of uncertainty, too.