Why Hello There

Lily Rose McGowen

Born June 28, 2011

6 lbs | 7 ozs | 20 inches

Today God blessed this world with a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Lily is the daughter, niece and granddaughter to some very dear friends. I can't praise the Father enough for Lily. She and her family are very special to me, but Lily is a little more.

A few months ago the preschool ministry began something called prayer partners. People who wanted to become a prayer partner were randomly placed with a family who are expecting. I signed up, knowing who I wanted, but excited to see who God placed me with. About a week later I got my envelope and read the names of my dear friends, the McGowen's. I thought it was so amazing that God gave me them to pray for and that I wanted them before I even knew who I had been placed with.

I've spent the last few months praying very specifically and consistently for Lily, her parents and her brother. Praise you, Father. You deserve all the glory and I am excited to see this little baby grow up to love and know her Father above.

The Heart

This was my morning. I can't explain how God blessed my time this morning. It was a moment where everything I was hearing and reading in His Word hit me right where I needed it. I opened iTunes and looked through the recently added podcasts. I subscribe to many so there are always new ones coming up and no way I can see them all. I was looking through some new ones from Mars Hill and saw one titled the heart. I started listening and it felt like God was sitting across the table from me.

Before I get into why I chose that one, let me give you some insight to my life lately. I have many desires and things I am passionate about. A lot of things I desire are good and I believe that God gives us His desires for us. But then there are some desires that are completely sinful and conflicting with the desires of God. I've had a very hard time lately fighting against the ones that are not of God and choosing the lesser, the sinful desires rather than the desires of God within me that I am more passionate about.

When I saw the sermon titled The Heart, I didn't immediately think it was something I needed to hear. I was just moved to listen. Maybe that was God, maybe not, but either way I needed to hear it.

Mark Driscoll began to talk about the book of Proverbs and how the matter of the heart is very important to God. Jesus commands that "we love the Lord, our God, with all our heart" and that "those who are pure in heart are blessed for they shall see the Lord." He brought up two questions that opened my eyes to the topic of the heart. First, why do we sin? Romans 5:12-21 states we sin because of Adam and Eve, inheriting sin's nature and implications. Second, where is sin rooted? Sin is rooted in our heart. The heart is our center, and the essence of who we are. Proverbs 4:23 says, "keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life." Our heart is as a spring where life flows from. He continued to use the illustration of a spring flowing and began to talk about how we deal with the problem of sin coming from and being rooted in our heart.

All too often we try to fix the problem of sin or desiring sin with behavior modification. We try to change the problem and not change our heart; where the problem or the sin is rooted. It's like when someone realizes they eat too much. They see the problem, the sin, and instead of going to their heart to see why they do that, they go on a diet and stop eating too much. It seems like a fix, but what they've really done is exchange gluttony for pride. Modifying the behavior ultimately isn't the answer. We must go to the heart in order to change it.

Listening to this helped me to see that even though I am having these sinful desires that are my nature, I can change them by going to the source of it in my heart and seeing why and how to change it. It also gave me some insight into the heart that God gave me when I began following Him. The heart I have has a Lord, power, purpose, community and desires that all are from God. A heart that is in Christ is faithful, desires obedience, corrective, teachable, content, desires wisdom, cheerful, helpful, discerning, persuasive, humble, intelligent, beautiful and repents.

We all have deep desires and when God resides in our heart, we have desires. All too often we are told that desires are bad, but that's what religion says. Christ says that He will give you a new heart and new desires. Not only that, but He will also give us a passion to fulfill those desires. He also says we will have conflicting desires, but where we need to be different is seeing whether it's a desire of God for us. We need to begin to see where our sin is rooted and change our heart, not just revert the problem into another sin. Once we do that, we can see the desires that are from God and are deeper than the sinful ones and give them attention. Through that, our sinful nature desires are diminished. We've just got to get to the root. Get to the heart and work from there, for it's where life flows.

It's not that our passions are too strong,

 they are too weak 
and we are too easily pleased with lesser sinful desires

 rather than pursuing, with great passion, 

our greatest desires. 

-C.S. Lewis

Weekend well learned.

Last week was one of those weeks where the weekend is like the tape at the end of a race: I couldn't wait to see it. It was five days packed full of madness, stress and problems...but I pressed on knowing God was with me (Hebrews 12:1).

I was excited about a not so busy weekend. I made plans to spend some time outside with a dear friend, grab lunch with another and spend some time with my sweet fourth grade girls...but God had something planned before all that was to come.

Have you ever prayed for something and while completely trusting in God and letting your desires be known to Him, you never once expect or think that He actually might give you what you want? The lines of my journal have been covered for almost nine months with prayers about a certain situation in my life. God has known what I wanted and what I would like to see happen concerning it, but Friday night was a complete time of awe in learning more of God and His character. I have prayed, cried and emptied my heart of this situation and given it all to God. It's the only thing I have known to do. I am thankful that I have learned that in order for God to work in situations they must be given completely to Him, but I had no idea what was coming my way. I saw progress, excitement and God's hand at work. I was in true awe of my Father and it was the most beautiful picture. Words can't describe what I felt nor am feeling, but all I can say it thank you, Father. Thank you for your timing, faithfulness and the way you showed me that trusting you can lead to no wrong. Friends, I pray you can come to know what I have learned this weekend. God is capable of anything and everything (Matthew 19:26; Mark 10:27) and nothing is impossible for Him (Luke 1:37) but trust Him in everything and He can work in things that we can ourselves cannot.

For what we are not, God is. 

Happiest place on earth.

I was sitting at home the other day watching television and a commercial came on where two kids were at home opening presents on Christmas morning. Their dad asked them what they thought about going to Disneyworld and their mom joined in, getting them more and more excited about what they were slowly realizing. They soon grasp the fact that in a few hours they were about to board a plane and fly to Disney. They, of course, freak out and go into this act of shock and awe. They were so happy and going to the 'happiest place on earth.'

"Happiest place on earth"....

What does that look like for you?

For me, it's this:

If you came to me on Christmas morning, or ever, and said I was hours away from flying to La Represa I would probably freak out. La Represa, Dominican Republic is my favorite place on this earth and, in my opinion, the happiest place on earth.

My first trip was in March of last year. I was excited to go. It was a completely new experience for me. I had never done mission work outside of the United States and I was excited because I had no idea what to expect. Ten days there went by way too fast and I left with a broken heart. I didn't really know why I felt the way I did but I was talking to a dear friend who said, "Don't worry, you'll be back." It never crossed my mind that leaving is what was killing my heart. I had come to know and love the people in that community. I left with a heavy heart but excited to see what else God had in store for me.

I arrived back in the U.S. on March 15, 2009. On October 2, 2009 I boarded a plane to the happiest place on earth....again. I was beyond excited. I had found out almost two weeks prior that there was one spot available and it had my name on it if I wanted it. I thought to myself, "who goes to the Dominican twice in one year?!" This girl. I got down there and was the happiest I had ever been in my twenty three years. I was in love and in my element. I was serving my Father, loving on children I wanted to bring home with me and living in a place completely opposite of what I've grown up to know as home. But that place...that community and those people...they became home. God grew my heart a lot in those seven days. I dreaded leaving and as we sang praises to God, prayed and started to say our goodbyes, my heart sank to the depth of my being. I would have never left if I didn't have to.

Those who were around me knew, and still know, how I feel about that place. It's my home and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of a child, an adult or just beautiful Dominican life. My computer and walls of my bedroom are cluttered with photos and dear memories. I would do anything to go back.

I miss the children I've come to know, adore and love with all my heart.

I miss working harder than I've ever worked.

I miss serving God in one of the best and most enjoyable ways I know how.

I miss being in a place that I've fallen in love with.

I miss La Represa.

But....In nearly two months, there is another trip to La Represa. I have the opportunity to go back. Back to my home, back to my element and back to where I belong. A lot must happen before then, but God willing, I will be on that plane in March headed to see how my heart is doing because it's there and it's staying. I pray that God grants me the opportunity to go again and that He provides finances that I may do so. I know He can because our God is so good and so great. How I'd love that gift!...to go back to my happiest place on earth.

Time well spent.

Who knew this could be what the doctor ordered?

Today was a day of helping the heart and it has been one that needs to be repeated often. I am lucky that I have so many godly women in my life who pour their wisdom into me and I am grateful that God has placed them in my life and that I am able to turn to them with a moments notice. I was able to spend time with two of them today. The first would be my aunt. I have five aunts, but she is one who is there and always has been. She has helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life thus far and I really don't know what I'd do without her. As I get older I find I desire to spend more time with her. Today was spent sharing life and laughs over coffee, lunch computer problems and mini marshmallows. I know it doesn't sound like much but a little goes a long way. With my family, most of them push you toward the "American dream": married, kids, good paying job and then retirement...but not her. She loves me just the way I am...and for her I thank the Lord often.

I was also able to spend some time with a dear friend who I met many years ago, but thanks to God, we were able to have our paths cross again and I am so happy they did. Sharing life and what God is doing in it is so freeing. Having friends who encourage what I love and want to do is something that means so much. I was able to tell her what I am excited about, my passions and what I would do if I knew I couldn't fail...and she just plainly says go for it! It's so awesome to have someone to tell you that. I feel like Satan has a good way of talking us out of ideas, especially those which would further God's kingdom. It gives me energy and hope for the future...and for her, I am equally grateful.

But now, what's next?

What road do I need to take, God?

What is the best idea to strive towards?

What does your will have for me, Father?

What do you want?

What is your plan?

And He lovingly tells me..."for I know the plans I have for you, Abbey. My plans are for good and not for disaster, for hope and a future. Trust me."

Dos mil diez.

2010.

I cannot believe this year is already over, but I am so thankful for it.

This year held a lot of change. I have changed so much. Change in heart, perspective and priority. Growing older celebrated, hearts broken, lives joined in vows and seeing myself change right before my own eyes. Desires flipped, choices made and letting God take complete control of my life.

I could write forever just on each month of this past year. I am thankful I am so organized with my pictures so I am able to go back and look at what was captured. Through two trips to La Represa, camp with the children's ministry, holidays, birthdays, relationships and growing into 23, this was a year God knew I would cherish.

This past year was absolutely amazing, but what I

remember most is how He broke me. I was loving life and loved Him, but He knew what was better for me. I know you may be thinking, "What does she mean, broke?" Well, my life was nothing short of what I wanted and desired. Sure, I loved God and prayed and read my bible and so on, but God was not the desire of my heart. God was not my first and only priority. He was part of my life, not just my life...but out of grace and love He took me away from everything in my life that was competing for time and affection and brought me to a place where He was and is all I need. He became my only desire and has been since that very day.

It was not the easiest thing, but I have never been so grateful for something. God knew what was best and, although painful, it was the only thing I could have wished for. It definitely made this past year what it was, but here are a few highlights:

Heavenly Father, thank you for 2010 and for what it held. Thank you for what you did for me and for what I have grown to be. I am so grateful and thankful to be your daughter and I pray that the next year will only continue to grow my heart for you and my desire to serve you. I pray I can be a light of you to those around me. I desire nothing more. I love you so much and pray that I live only to glorify your wonderful name.

Waiting.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,

for my hope is in him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone.

He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.

O my people, trust in him at all times.

Pour out your heart to him,

for God is our refuge.

-Psalm 62:5-8

Most of my inner thoughts are about waiting. They usually include anger and selfishness. The lines of reality sometimes get blurry and covered over, and soon fall prey to voicing my thoughts to God. "God, I need ___, or I am entitled to ____ and shouldn't have to wait.

When I look deeper I see how much of myself actually prefers the illusion. I'd rather have security, comfort and around-the-clock satisfaction in what my heart desires rather than this vacancy. I want love. I want comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure. I want to have every worry lifted and be joyful in everything that deserves no current joy.

Bottom line, waiting is hard. Maintaing hope is waiting is even harder, no matter how strong I am in my beliefs.

Waiting is one thing; waiting well is another.

A lot of waiting seems to be about trust and trust to be of waiting and waiting to be about faith.

It's easy to praise God when waiting brings results, but when you're given the answer 'wait' or any type of suffering, you start to question God's plan and timing. Someone's life will look a lot better in comparison, and the grace in mine a lot smaller. We tend to come to a point where we don't get what we want, complain to God, and take matters into our own hands. For many of us, it is easier to be God than trust or love him.

But...What if God knew exactly what He was doing? What if He didn't need our agendas, or short-lived desires, to make His happen? What if love truly never failed and was most important, and followed after...'quick to forgive and quicker to show mercy?" What if, in the midst of our suffering, God knew what was best? What if He was closely at work, even, and especially, in our place of silent waiting?

Estoy agradecido.

When I was a child I always looked forward to the holidays. Lots of family piled up in one small house. With my Dad being one of eight and my mom one of five I got used to crowds early in life. I grew to love the noise and the massive amount of people always around. As I have gotten older and as family has changed and gone on to be with my Father, life have changed. I am overwhelmed with missing my grandparents. I long for change in my family. I feel like the odd-one-out and helpless. I look forward to seeing them all but have little expectations for what may come.

As Thanksgiving came, we had an agenda to visit all family in one day-yes, one day. Needless to say I was not looking forward to it. With lots of negativity towards my family I sucked it up and went with the flow. The day started off with this:

Backseat with the brothers. I got in with this negative attitude...then I was COMPLETELY overwhelmed with this feeling that's hard to even explain with words...plain and simple I felt the Holy Spirit surround me and just take hold of my every move.

I needed the day start off with something positive. I needed to be by the two people I love more than life itself...God knew that, but reminded me that no matter how bad, stressful, frustrating, sad, or crazy my life may be HE is ALL I NEED. He can get me through each day-He DOES get me through each day. Thank you, Father, for your continual guidance and presence!

The day continued and although loving my family isn't the easiest thing to do, I was able to do it with help from Him.

It may sound crazy to you but I am so different from my family so time with them can be a struggle. I struggle being myself and being a light of Christ to them. I pray that God helps me show them the hope He has given me...

...but nonetheless, estoy agradecido. I am thankful. I am thankful for Christ. I am thankful He sacrificed himself and spared me. I am thankful for God's Word and His sovereign will. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for those around me who encourage, love and support me. God has blessed me so and I thank Him.

Father, thank you for my life. I thank you for the abundant life you've graciously given to your daughter. I pray I can give your holy name glory and I pray that I continue to seek you in all I do, say and think. I love you so much.

15 days in...

November sure started out with a rocky start. My dad losing his job sure wasn't how I pictured it but it happened and we dealt with it as best we could. As soon as it happened I clung to the Lord.

I prayed my heart out for God to receive the glory and for God to give my father hope because I could tell he had none. I also prayed that God would show him the love He has for him and that he would turn to something you can put your hope in and not be disappointed.

After three long, stressful days we got news that he got a job! I was amazed and immediately gave God the glory He so deserves. The words "praise the Lord..." just flowed from my mouth, over and over. My God did this and my God is bigger than pain, than hurt, than job loss, than ANYTHING.

Looking back at this situation and past week makes me smile. Something horrible happened and I instantly turned to my Father for hope and peace. I prayed through every frustration, thought and worry. I held on to him...and He provided!

Words cannot explain how great our God is or how much I love Him! Thank you, Lord, for your love, mercy and amazing grace. Thank you for providing for my father, my family and myself. Thank you for being my hope, my rock and my strength. Thank you for being the one thing in life than never disappoints and never lets go.

ALL THE GLORY TO GOD. Amen.

Psalm 23.

My relationship with the Lord is number one priority.

He gives me all that I need.

He gives me rest.

He refreshes my spirit.

He heals my heart and soul.

He shows me which path to take.

He gives my life purpose and meaning.

I may be tested and go through trials,

but He takes care of me and is faithful.

He never leaves me.

He gives me discipline and hope.

He gives me the most abundant life full of His blessings.

I am secure and satisfied in Him forever.

How He loves me.

new beginnings.

Since its beginning, this blog has been an outlet to slightly open ideas and thoughts of my heart, faith and the amazing journey God has me on. Lately, God has continued to break my heart for La Represa. Not a day goes by without numerous thoughts or ideas concerning my second home. Dreams of living life with my brothers, sisters and the children I could spend the rest of my life with. God is showing me big plans and they're completely beyond any of my expectations, but He is slowly showing me how to achieve the goal He has broken my heart for.

I have had two very different, very amazing trips to La Represa. I have spent a total of 17 days there. I can say without a doubt that they have been the best days so far of my 23 years. I long for many more like them. God knows that and I have a feeling that through my amazing God, I not only will be back but will be there much longer.

Though I am not there yet, the mission has already started. I am praying and looking into fundraising options. Most of them will be a huge undertaking and a lot of stress added to my already hectic schedule but my heart is set on that community. All I have to do is stop, close my eyes and I get a reminder of what God has shown me. I see faces; I hear voices. I am reminded of a life I long to live. I am overwhelmed with passion and comfort. I am driven to be there and love "the least of these." Once that precious moment in time is done I am back up and running. Praise the Lord for the brokenness within me and the plan He has for me. I ask that you pray for the path the Lord has set me on and pray that I can gather support from my family, my church and my community.

I will never forget the moment I set foot in the Dominican. I went down there with this preconceived notion that I'd do some hard labor, grow closer with my friends and have a good week. I spent the last night there in the arms of someone who is dear to my heart and he told me, "Don't worry, you'll be back here." I couldn't believe I had fallen in love but I wasn't sure if I would be returning. I was overwhelmed and uneasy going home. I longed to stay and to go back once I returned but just prayed to God for wisdom and His will...and the next thing I know seven months go by and I am back again. Familiar faces, sounds and emotions. After an amazing yet heart-wrenching seven days I boarded a plane back to United States...and cried the entire time.

It's been 14 days since returning to the United States...Please pray that God continues to guide me on this journey and return me to my home. I am trusting completely in Him for strength, guidance and wisdom. I have an extreme distaste for this place but I know it's only time before I am there again. God's timing is always better than ours. Please pray for me as I embark on this journey. Our God is an awesome God. All the glory to you, Father!

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

Heavy heart.

I've been back in the U.S. for four days now. It feels wrong even calling this place 'home.' God has again broken me for La Represa and the people in that community. Words cannot begin to express the heaviness of my heart, the longing to be there or the distaste for this world I've called my home for 23 years. Since returning I have tried numerous times to get a post finished but each time they've been interrupted and have gone unfinished. No words can explain my heart or my mind or where God is leading me. I feel very broken and the only explanation to start with is this:

La Represa, you have my heart.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Nothing is a surprise to Him.

Almost six months ago, this was me. In the middle of La Represa with a group of some amazing people. We worked harder than I could ever imagine and my heart was broken for the people, the community and what we learned alongside those people. What I love most is what I came back with: a broken heart that longed for those people I had come to know in such a short time.

Ever since returning I have continually prayed for God's will for me in regard to the Dominican. I have longed to go back, to work more and to live a life of service for that community, but I know that it all is on God's timing and if I needed to be there He would make it happen.

I have been doing a bible study that has recently talked about how nothing comes as a surprise to God. Things happen in life and we wonder why God allowed it or come to him asking why it did, but God knows why and knew it was going to happen long before we ever did.

Recently, God had been revealing His will for me in small moments. I have known that I am at least going to go back to the Dominican but have trusted in God for the chance. Now, it being six months since I have been home, I am going BACK! I am in complete shock and awe of my heavenly Father. I received the email yesterday morning giving me all the information, saying there was one spot left and it's mine if I wanted it. I can't believe I am getting this chance, but I am SO thankful God has provided it. I am stunned at God's power and am reminded that everything is on God's timing and He has a plan for me far better than I could ever imagine. I love living life trusting in my Savior. All the glory goes to GOD!

One month and two days....the countdown begins!

Shame.

He visited today. In a refreshingly different, but still awful way than before. Different in that I recognized him, and awful in that recognizable, or not, he still exudes awfulness—like a whispering ghost, criticizing my every move. I saw his face—I felt his disdain. He sunk into my cracks of anger and asked me to hate. He gaped at my dancing strands of hope and told them to stop. He mocked my sadness. Marked my weakness. Masked my gladness. And raped my good. He marveled at my tears saying, Don’t stop. There are always more reasons to flow. He rocked my exhuastion saying, I’m glad to find you. I’m glad to remind you of your name. He grabbed me by the hand, wanting to lead me back into his dark, back into his dance. But I pulled away and said, “No. I see you today and your story is not worth my time.”

wishful thinking.

What if every person we crossed paths with today had some level of brokenness? And what if that brokenness was the window to seeing what is whole?

The man at the gas station.

The driver you yelled at en route to work.

The waiter at the Mexican restaurant.

The actor.

The trucker.

The pastor.
The student..
The boy laughing.
The woman crying.
The child.

They’re just like the rest of us; we’re just like the rest of them.
Broken.
It comes with the package of a beating heart and breathing lung. And whether manifested through a broken-heart, body, spirit, or mind, brokenness is a part of being.

And yet we resist it.

We treat it like a cancer, like a part of us that’s wrong and needs to be defeated, or as an obstacle preventing our wholeness. Every once in awhile you'll come across a person willing to work with their brokenness, versus fighting it, but they’re few and far between, and usually the quieted voices of culture. I wish we believed every person we crossed paths with today had some level of brokenness. And that in that brokenness was the window to seeing what is whole.

Dear Father,

Where I have so punished, let me so Love.

Where I have lived in fears, teach me Freedom.

Where I have restricted, help me trust the Table before me.

Where I have hurt others, teach me to Confess.

Where I have hurt myself, teach me Healing, unloosing the hands from around my neck.

Where I have been hurt, teach me to Forgive.

Where I have controlled, show me Surrender.

Where I am alone, let me be Embraced.

Where I remain tired, lead me to the gift of Rest.

Where I remain afraid of tomorrow, or ashamed by yesterday, unveil to me the gift of Grace today.

With Love,

Your daughter