I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners, Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things. 

(Lamentations 3:19-36 MSG)

Steady my Heart

Wish it could be easy. 

Why is life so messy?

Why is pain a part if us? 

There are days I feel like nothing ever goes right.

Sometimes it just hurts so much. 

But You're here. 

You're real. 

I know I can trust You.

I'm not gonna worry. 

I know that You've got me right inside the palm of your hand. 

Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way You plan. 

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart. 

I will run to You cause I know that You are lover of my soul and healer of my scars.

You steady my heart. 

I have to stop myself from crying constantly throughout the day...

Father, You must look at me and with tears in your eyes, think...

"My child, why will you not trust Me? Why will you not let the peace of Me, and My Spirit guide you, guard you, and LOVE on you? I want to love you so much more than you have ever experienced...why are you seeking love elsewhere, when My love is perfect love? Let Me love you, let Me love your heart, your mind, and your spirit. You are more beautiful to Me than anything in this world. I knew your every step, your every day, your beauty, and your destiny, before you were in existence. And, I know the plans I have for you, I know My calling for you, I know what I have in store for you, both in this life, and for eternity. I will love you MORE every day, for now, and forevermore. I never change, and I will NEVER LEAVE YOU. When you cannot see past this day, I can. I know the miracles I am working all around you, even when you feel consumed by your darkest hours. I am working for you, always; can you not see My power? The works of My hands? My promises that I have fulfilled in your life already? AND I AM NOT DONE. I am the God of the universe, the power and authority over all of the earth, and I am your greatest lover and supporter. NOTHING can come against you; these trials have brought you closer to Me, and that brings Me pure joy. I desire to be known by you more intimately than you have ever experienced. I alone can calm your spirit, bring you truth and life, hope and peace. You will be hurt in this life, but I will spare you. I will save you. I will deliver you. I will give you NEW LIFE, when all else dies. Even if you lose everything in this life, you will still have EVERYTHING, and all that you need, because you are mine, forever. I will carry you, ALL OF YOUR DAYS."

His Choice, Not Mine.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not

to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

-Jeremiah 29:11

"Humans plan their life in their heart, 

but the Lord establishes their steps."

--Proverbs 16:9

These are verses I have often held close to my heart.

They've given me hope that whatever course I end up on is God's.

They've helped me trust that God has got my back.

But lately, I've seen how God has truly done what they say he does and will do.

Let's rewind to last summer and I'll tell you how.

 I embarked on a journey with a corporation who proudly shares the word of God. We shared it with adults and children all summer and it truly was one of the greatest times in my life. I learned so much about the character of God and grew in to a deeper relationship with him. 

He grew me so much over that time and I came back wanting nothing more than to experience it again. I was at a point where I had no idea what God wanted me to do with my life. In the last few years, I see how God only gives me about a three month window, if that. He shows me just enough of what the future looks like, and then smiles and tells me to trust him. I, of course, want to know more, but he doesn't ever tell me.

So, I came back and just looked to him and said, "What do you want, God?" 

He didn't say a word.

I sat by for weeks, then months, just waiting for him to tell me.

Then, a few months later, I got a call I had hoped for. I was offered another summer doing something I had fallen in love with. It was a slightly different position, but still what I wanted (or so I thought). In the moment I had hesitation and it scared me. I asked for time to pray and see what God wanted. They gave me through the weekend to decide.

The weekend came and went. I prayed a little but felt no peace in any decision. So, I accepted it. I knew that I ultimately wanted that experience again. I thought to myself, "Now I can have peace." 

But yet again, no peace. 

I waited. I hoped. Some time went by.

Then He moved.

When I accepted the position, I had already arranged to be gone for the summer with my job. 

One day when I went into work a few months later, my boss told me that due to some changes and my job title changing, that she could not allow me to be gone all summer without hiring someone for my position. So I had to choose.

I was hit like a bus with confusion, emotion and uncertainty. After many long talks and tearful conversations with God, I knew I couldn't let my job go. I love my job. It was a blessing from God in the first place...

So I chose. I chose my job. 

The conversations after were hard and hurtful, but as you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "what's the point?"

Even in the midst of uncertainty, God is there.

When you don't know if what decision you're making is right, God is there.

If you're worried about making the wrong choice, God is there.

If you're scared of what people are going to think, God is there.

People will say and think what they want. I will worry myself over things I have no control over. I will wonder if I am making the right decision. And I will sometimes be uncertain of myself, my choices and my life.

But God's there. And that's all that matters. And because he's there, I can trust that HE will lead me on a path that He wants me on. All I have to do is trust and believe that...because He's doing it right now. 

Certain Uncertainty

I use this illustration a lot, but I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster.

For a while I am on top of the hill, arms up high with a smile on my face.

I have everything I need (or so I think). Work is great, my family is happy and healthy and life has no major issue in my book. It's easy to trust God because he's giving me resources, allowing me to use my talents, given me a career I adore, and given me a man who loves Him and pursues my heart. There are no major decisions and He guides my way and makes it 'easy.'

But then I see myself going down from the top, right into the bottom curve. 

Work gets real and frustrating. I lose two family members in one month. I go a month without seeing my best friend. God opens doors that I'm unsure of and making decisions are stressful and my mind seems to waver at every breath I take. 

I've been dealing with this feeling for the last couple of weeks. I toss and turn at night from the thoughts that run through my mind and keep me awake. Satan runs rampant in my mind and tries to discourage, rush and worry me, making me believe that there's no certainty in what my Father wants. I find myself screaming these thoughts through the tears.

"Father, how can I be certain that what I am doing is what you want?"

"What's the best route for me to take?"

"Is this really going to work?"

"How do I know?"

"What do you want?"

"How can I trust you?...."

I close my eyes. 

And He faithfully speaks.

"Abbey Grace, my lovely daughter. You can trust me. 

Have I ever lied to you? 

Have I ever left you? 

Remember who brought you through those trials from the past. Remember who has loved you since time began. Remember who loves you. Remember I gave my son to die for you. 

My daughter, this life you're in now provides much uncertainty, and I can't show you everything I have planned for you, but what I can promise you is this: certain uncertainty.

You don't know what's coming, but you can trust that I will lead you to where you need to be. 

I can't promise you it will be easy, but I can promise you that everything is for your good.

My child, lean to me and I'll lead you. I'll comfort you. I'll love you forever."

And then I remember.

My God is good.

My God is faithful.

And although I am certain that I may always be uncertain of what He wants,

He will take care of the path He has planned for me.

Whirlwind Winter

I wish my title referred to a real winter. Somewhere in the mountains, tucked away in a cozy cabin, sipping on some vanilla roast, while being completely snowed in and having nothing better to do than write. Instead, I'm in a comfy shirt I stole from my boyfriend, sitting on the couch on this sunny, 32-degree day (with no snow), while sipping on Eight O'Clock hazelnut while catching up on NCIS. I know, not as wintery as I had hoped either.

I often have reminders pop up on my phone (thank you, Siri) purposely telling me to post photos, write in my journal, post something on my blog or make plans with friends. Once I leave work, or have some time to myself, like today, I feel like my mind needs to just slow down and relax. So my writings, plans and reminders often go untouched. But now, I'm here. I'm answering emails, posting photos and writing on my blog.

Go me! But really, let's do a little catching up on life. 

I feel like January flew in here and is soon to be flying out. Let's rewind to the holidays. They came and went. I feel like as I grow older, the holidays change with each year. Now I care more for giving than receiving. Now I long for more memories than the actual holidays themselves. It was two days full of lots of noise, relaxing and family all over the place. As much as I loved those 48 hours, it was nice to go back to work.

Speaking of work...what a busy place. People everywhere, all the time. The holidays were a mad house and I felt like I was going non-stop. I truly love it though. Crazy hours, amazing people and getting to meet new people every day is one awesome gift I am blessed to call my job.

Once Christmas was over, my man came down to Tennessee to ring in the new year with me. It was truly a blessing. I was disappointed we didn't get to spend Christmas together, but New Year's came and so did some new traditions for us. We now agreed to spend every New Year's Eve just us, order a pizza and ring in the new year like that. No big party or large groups....just the two of us. We also exchanged Christmas gifts then, but I'm not sure if that's a tradition that will stay.

This month is almost over and I am finally posting on my blog. Between work, my personal life, serving and trying to find time to do the things I want to do, I feel like I'm being pulled one-hundred different ways. But I wouldn't have it any other way, and I've never been happier. So for now, I'll enjoy this whirlwind and talk to you soon.

Unfaithful

Dear Abandoned and Forgotten Blog of Mine:

I'm sorry it's been so long. I've truly had good intentions, but my time and attention have been spent elsewhere. I feel terrible for admitting it, but it's true. As much as I love you and enjoy you, others have grabbed me and pulled me in. For one, there's this job. I love it, but it has taken up quite a bit of my time. It's crazy busy and is running my body into the ground, but I love it. There's also this person named Alexander. He's pretty amazing and although I have no time already, he seems to take up any extra that I have to spare. He talks to me about God and pushes me to Christ. He makes my life easier and sometimes I tell him things I'd normally rant on here. 

I'm sorry I've put you on the back-burner, but I am here and I have returned. I promise never to leave you again...unless I create a brand new blog in 2013. 

Thank you for welcoming me back with open arms.

Love,

Abbey Grace