Love letter.

God has been speaking to me in the last few days, in ways I could have never imagined. He's been writing me these little love letters, and here's today's:

Daughter,

Our love story is still unfolding. From the beginning of time I loved you. I knew your days before I set you before your first. Your name is written on the inside of my hand. You are my beloved. I know you intimately, to the point of the hairs on your head. I have counted every tear that has fallen from your dear face. You were a sinner, but because you mean everything to me, I died for you. I died to love you. Abbey Grace, I am your God. You are my love. Please abide in me. I want you and want to know you and show you myself. 

Run to me. 

Rest in my promises for you. 

Stay ready to hear me. 

Rise when I call. 

Be the woman who was once dead, but through me, now lives. 

Trusting Letter

My sweet daughter,

Trust me, and don't be afraid. 

I want you to view trials as a way to grow your trust in Me. I love you. I loved you before anyone knew you, before you were even made. I loved you before I put breath in your lungs. 

Don't let Satan get to you. One of his favorite ways to misguide my children is fear. Do not be afraid. When you worry about how you feel, you forget my promise. I promised to never leave you, and I am not going to. Don't let a feeling change what's true. 

When Satan starts to get close, talk to me and tell him to flee from you in my name. He will leave you. And you will be closer to me. And I will shine on you. 

Remember that I have judged you not guilty forever. There's no reason to worry, fear or not trust me. 

I am your strength,

your song,

your salvation. 

Trust me, my dear. Trust me. 

Hear a word.

I’ve been overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, frustration, envy, and a bit of insomnia as of late. I can’t quite tell if it is losing someone, the past year crashing in around me, or what but all I know is that I’m struggling. In some ways it feels like I’m on the outside of a glass wall peering into the life I want to have. Thin enough that I can see and hear what is happening on the other side but thick enough to keep me out. There are so many things I want to say, things I long to say, but I refuse to. Because contrary to belief this isn’t my diary, nor are any of my other social media platforms. I get angry when people mistake measured vulnerability for emotional dumping.

What it makes me want to do is retreat. Pull so far back into myself that I get lost. Minimize the pieces of who I am so no fault can be found or judgment passed. It makes me want to stop writing all together. To believe the lies that tell me I’m not good enough or that everyone else is better or that I have nothing of value to say. Sometimes the lies sound so close to truth I don’t know which to believe.

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel like I’m shouting into a megaphone at a group of people who stare back at me blankly. So who knows, maybe this is the time to stop writing.

These walls, too hard to climb
And that ladder is too hard to find
I don’t want to be here anymore

These roads, too hard to walk
With the things you’ve been saying
I don’t even want to talk
I don’t want to wind up on the floor

Speak your mind or speak your peace
I swear we’re sinking deep
I don’t want to wind up on the floor
The sky is falling all over again
Just another dis-conclusion
Another disillusion
The sky is falling all over again
Am I losing my composure?
Way too much exposure to compromise
I can’t take on these walls.

I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God ’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners, Refusing justice to victims in the court of High God, Tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things. 

(Lamentations 3:19-36 MSG)

Steady my Heart

Wish it could be easy. 

Why is life so messy?

Why is pain a part if us? 

There are days I feel like nothing ever goes right.

Sometimes it just hurts so much. 

But You're here. 

You're real. 

I know I can trust You.

I'm not gonna worry. 

I know that You've got me right inside the palm of your hand. 

Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way You plan. 

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart. 

I will run to You cause I know that You are lover of my soul and healer of my scars.

You steady my heart. 

I have to stop myself from crying constantly throughout the day...

Father, You must look at me and with tears in your eyes, think...

"My child, why will you not trust Me? Why will you not let the peace of Me, and My Spirit guide you, guard you, and LOVE on you? I want to love you so much more than you have ever experienced...why are you seeking love elsewhere, when My love is perfect love? Let Me love you, let Me love your heart, your mind, and your spirit. You are more beautiful to Me than anything in this world. I knew your every step, your every day, your beauty, and your destiny, before you were in existence. And, I know the plans I have for you, I know My calling for you, I know what I have in store for you, both in this life, and for eternity. I will love you MORE every day, for now, and forevermore. I never change, and I will NEVER LEAVE YOU. When you cannot see past this day, I can. I know the miracles I am working all around you, even when you feel consumed by your darkest hours. I am working for you, always; can you not see My power? The works of My hands? My promises that I have fulfilled in your life already? AND I AM NOT DONE. I am the God of the universe, the power and authority over all of the earth, and I am your greatest lover and supporter. NOTHING can come against you; these trials have brought you closer to Me, and that brings Me pure joy. I desire to be known by you more intimately than you have ever experienced. I alone can calm your spirit, bring you truth and life, hope and peace. You will be hurt in this life, but I will spare you. I will save you. I will deliver you. I will give you NEW LIFE, when all else dies. Even if you lose everything in this life, you will still have EVERYTHING, and all that you need, because you are mine, forever. I will carry you, ALL OF YOUR DAYS."

His Choice, Not Mine.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not

to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." 

-Jeremiah 29:11

"Humans plan their life in their heart, 

but the Lord establishes their steps."

--Proverbs 16:9

These are verses I have often held close to my heart.

They've given me hope that whatever course I end up on is God's.

They've helped me trust that God has got my back.

But lately, I've seen how God has truly done what they say he does and will do.

Let's rewind to last summer and I'll tell you how.

 I embarked on a journey with a corporation who proudly shares the word of God. We shared it with adults and children all summer and it truly was one of the greatest times in my life. I learned so much about the character of God and grew in to a deeper relationship with him. 

He grew me so much over that time and I came back wanting nothing more than to experience it again. I was at a point where I had no idea what God wanted me to do with my life. In the last few years, I see how God only gives me about a three month window, if that. He shows me just enough of what the future looks like, and then smiles and tells me to trust him. I, of course, want to know more, but he doesn't ever tell me.

So, I came back and just looked to him and said, "What do you want, God?" 

He didn't say a word.

I sat by for weeks, then months, just waiting for him to tell me.

Then, a few months later, I got a call I had hoped for. I was offered another summer doing something I had fallen in love with. It was a slightly different position, but still what I wanted (or so I thought). In the moment I had hesitation and it scared me. I asked for time to pray and see what God wanted. They gave me through the weekend to decide.

The weekend came and went. I prayed a little but felt no peace in any decision. So, I accepted it. I knew that I ultimately wanted that experience again. I thought to myself, "Now I can have peace." 

But yet again, no peace. 

I waited. I hoped. Some time went by.

Then He moved.

When I accepted the position, I had already arranged to be gone for the summer with my job. 

One day when I went into work a few months later, my boss told me that due to some changes and my job title changing, that she could not allow me to be gone all summer without hiring someone for my position. So I had to choose.

I was hit like a bus with confusion, emotion and uncertainty. After many long talks and tearful conversations with God, I knew I couldn't let my job go. I love my job. It was a blessing from God in the first place...

So I chose. I chose my job. 

The conversations after were hard and hurtful, but as you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "what's the point?"

Even in the midst of uncertainty, God is there.

When you don't know if what decision you're making is right, God is there.

If you're worried about making the wrong choice, God is there.

If you're scared of what people are going to think, God is there.

People will say and think what they want. I will worry myself over things I have no control over. I will wonder if I am making the right decision. And I will sometimes be uncertain of myself, my choices and my life.

But God's there. And that's all that matters. And because he's there, I can trust that HE will lead me on a path that He wants me on. All I have to do is trust and believe that...because He's doing it right now.